Toxic Friends

copy of the ugly truth about self love (3)

The company we keep plays an important role in our lives. A good friendship should consistent of these overarching characteristics; supportive, considerate, trustworthy, generous, honest and understanding. Great friends growth together. They should make you feel good inside. They share moments of joy and are great support systems.

But what about if your friend/s are toxic? Unfortunately many of us have experienced a toxic friendship. If you have never experienced a toxic friend then you’re extremely lucky or…delusional lol! When a certain friendship becomes detrimental to your well-being and puts you in a negative space, you have to consider whether the friendship is worth maintaining or not. This is not an easy process especially when you extremely care for that person and once had close friendship.

This is something I’ve personally experienced. I found myself feeling like certain friendships became more like a chore. I never felt like they supported my endeavours and that they would project their insecurities onto me. Friends should never make you feel like you’re not good enough or that your feelings do not matter. I often felt compelled to maintain our friendship because they have previously shown me care and had them for a significant period of time. But when I started to attract people in my life that were loving, considerate and caring, I realised how dysfunctional a few of my  friendships were and decided that I had to make changes in order to preserve my well-being.

However, saying all of this I have also been a toxic friend! As painful as it is to admit it, I am guilty for the very things I’ve experienced. We don’t like to admit when we are the problem however in order for us to grow we have to hold ourselves accountable and live in our truth. I have been that jealous, un-supportive, bitchy, negative friend. The reasons why I was so toxic was because I was unsatisfied with the person I was inside. The way I treated others was mostly a reflection of how I felt about myself.  When you are a toxic person, it’s common to believe that you’re a great friend who does little wrong. It’s very important that we sit with ourselves and analyse how we interact within our friendships. Admitting that you’ve made mistakes is the first step for transforming yourself and becoming a better person and friend to those around you.

I’ve stood on both sides of the fence- being the toxic friend and having toxic friends. Because of this I feel like I can offer some humbling advice.

Your friend is Toxic:

Signs that they’re toxic: don’t support your endeavours, gaslight you, picks on your personality, thrives off of your insecurities, projects insecurities onto you, lack empathy, untrustworthy, gossipy, self-centred, stubborn, rude to you, doesn’t admit when they’re wrong.

Words of advice:

  • You deserve to have friends who genuinely supports and shows you love (not just says it). You are not obligated to settle for less than you deserve within your friendship. You shouldn’t accept abusive behaviour under the guise of ‘love’. Ultimately you get to choose the company you keep. You have agency over your life and get to either create a circle of friends who are helping or hindering your growth.

 

  • If being around them makes you feel negative then you need to seriously consider distancing yourself or removing them from your life. Growth takes some people time and your friend probably isn’t a bad person. In fact you’ve probably shared plenty of great moments together in the past. Experiencing good times with someone or knowing someone for a significant period does not give them an excuse to treat you badly. Your needs and desires come first and you should be selfish in preserving that. There’s people out there who will be loving, supportive and trustworthy, so you are not obligated to settle for those who don’t.

You are the toxic friend:

Signs that you’re toxic: you put your insecurities onto them, you’re not supportive, you gossip about them, you’re possessive, you’re unforgiving, you don’t admit when you’re wrong, you copy them, you don’t ask them how they are, you undermine their goals.

Words of advice:

  • When you put your friend down and have something negative to say about them, most of the time it’s only  mirroring your own insecurities. It might make you feel better finding flaws in someone so you don’t have to deal with your own insecurities, but you’re the only person who loses in the situation. The next time you find yourself feeling triggered by someone’s achievements, ask yourself whether you are 100% satisfied within that area of your life. Chances are you are not. Figure out what’s missing inside of you that’s causing you to act this way. What do you need to do more of to feel better about yourself?  If you truly love your friend and yourself, you’d take some time out to become a better you. Use those feelings as a guide to where you need to work and develop on yourself.

 

  • You are probably an amazing person deep down inside who is currently going through a difficult time. That being said, you going through something doesn’t mean you can’t apologise for the ways you’ve hurt others. If you’ve really hurt someone you should admit when you’re wrong and say sorry. Even if your apology is not accept by them, accept and forgive yourself. The best form of apology is by demonstrating that you can be better.

In conclusion

Ultimately the message is if we love ourselves more we will naturally treat others better and we would expect better from the company we keep. Keep people around you where love is reciprocated, where you both want to grow and glo together.

Questions to you:

Have you had a toxic friend?

Have you been a bad friend to someone?

I would love to hear your experiences & thoughts.

Love Ash, xx

 

 

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41 thoughts on “Toxic Friends

    1. Thank you Rosaliene! It took a lot of courage and having to forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused others but I finally did it. It feels like a weight lifted off my shoulder finally☺️

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    1. I need to read that because I was having that convo with my sister the other day how breaking ties with an old friend can feel like a “break up”. That’s a long friendship, what do you think was the final straw? It’s great how you was able to make the decision to priories your well being. Salute to you 👏🏾💕

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmm see it’s a tricky one because sometimes it’s difficult to figure out. Maybe you are a good friend! Sometimes we tend to (including myself) over analyze things and place harsh labels on ourselves. I would say maybe ask yourself, ‘am I exhibiting the same characteristics that I’d like from a friend?’ I did that and I found my answer. Rooting for you and thanks for sharing 💕

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I’ve definitely been the toxic friend in the past. I was a follower in middle and a good part of my high school career. I’m not proud of it but I’ve come to a point now where I’m so protective of my space because of how other “friends” have treated me if you act up I’d rather just not be friends. I’ve saved myself from being in a lot of drama this way. Awesomely worded💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. well said. I’m in resonance with your points … it would be difficult to find someone who was either in complete harmony with everyone, or never experienced a toxic friendship, at least to an extent… the “you’re extremely lucky or…delusional” part was funny, but spot-on.

    from my own experience, toxic friendships and environments are not the thing, if one desires to have a clear focus in life. dramas of toxicity are big stumbling blocks to one’s focus and emotional health and general well-being

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm that’s really interesting you saying that. When I come to think about it, one thing that all the toxic people I’ve experienced have in common was not having a clear focus in life. Also not having principles in which they live by.

      Haha it’s to true about the delusional part. Often people who deny it are the ones who are toxic! Thank you for taking your time out to read this and sharing your thoughts. Have a lovely week 💕✨

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well written and I agree. Great info. I’m always in the “remove the toxic” in my life mode, while always assessing if I’m bringing the best of myself to interactions. The company we keep speaks volumes

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes same! Especially this year I’m really about being around good people. It’s also so important to ask ourselves whether we are putting out the same energy that we ask from others. Thank you, I really appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s an interesting topic. I think it’s better say “good bye” rather than keeping in touch with toxic friends. Honestly, loneliness is not when you stay alone with yourself (it might be a good company), but when you are among peole who do not deserve you anymore…
    Congrats for your blog… I love reading it every now and then 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm see I do agree because having toxic friends around can have negative affects on the other person. I would say it’s better call them out and create boundaries. If they aren’t willing to change then I would seriously consider removing them. Aw thank you so much that means a lot! Appreciate the time you take out to read them. Hope you’re having a good week 😊

      Liked by 3 people

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  6. Oh am touch by this post. this blew me away. Thank you for taking the time to share these write up through these words.

    These words are painted in truth, experience and perspective. I especially love how you started it and how you ended the write up. Beautifully written and as I read through again on each line I was amazed . Each word you used are true and reflective of my personal encounter with people .

    This produced a smile on my tired face after a long day. You’re appreciated.

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    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful response.

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        Liked by 1 person

  7. Good points. Another way for me to be toxic is when you feel that some people only share the bad moments with you, you never see them when they feel good, only when they have problems. I deserve to share the good and the bad moments of someone’s life, I’m not an emotional trash can. Lol

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  8. I have definitely had a toxic friend who I considered as an older sister. When I began to realise her behaviour was becoming even more passive aggressive and self-centred then usual; the lead up to me deciding to finally cut her off led to nights of panic attacks and sleeplessness. My doctor friend actually identified that this ‘friend’ was the cause of these. So yes these toxic friends can actually affect your health.

    However.. I have also been a toxic friend. And I hate to admit that in my younger days I was very good at reading people’s personalities and thus would very subtly befriend people and use them to my own advantage. Thank God for growth!

    Wonderful post ..! 🌹🙏🏾

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so sad to hear. I’m so glad you was able to identify it and move past that. It’s definitely hard but I commend you for doing that. There definitely needs to be more conversations about toxic friends and how detrimental it can be to our health.

      And yess same I’ve been toxic to others but it was mostly because I was insecure about myself. Thank you so much for taking your time out to read this and share your experience 💕✨

      Like

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