Side Effects of Holding onto Resentment

Copy of Copy of The ugly truth about self love (3)

Do you currently feel resentful towards someone? Resentment typically arises when we feel an injustice has been committed towards us. A person who feels resentful may have felt personally attacked and subsequently allowed a grudge to fester. It’s common to hold resentment, however, when left unaddressed over a long period of time, it can become intoxicating and have a negative impact on a persons well being.

Resentment is a mental resistance to, a non-acceptance of, something which has already happened … an emotional rehashing, or re-fighting of some event in the past. You cannot win, because you are attempting to do the impossible–change the past.- Maxwell Maltz

One of the reasons why we hold onto resentment is in hopes that we never forget how they hurt us. We use the pain they inflicted on us as a memo to not get ourselves into a similar situation with that person or others again. Holding a grudge gives us comfort knowing that we never let them off the hook for what they did to us.

Additionally, we may have been accustomed to hold resentment as a tool for survival. Initially, it served the purpose of remembering potential dangers that can harm us. It helped us to create a blueprint in our minds of what to look out for and what not to expect.

It’s okay to mourn the lack of love you received from your parents or being overlooked by people you deeply admired. You don’t need to feel bad for holding a grudge. It’s difficult to forgive people for doing you wrong. When we trust someone and they do us wrong, it can have a huge impact on our ability to let our guard down with that person and others again.

What you Need to know about Resentment:

It hurts you more than it hurts the other person

You holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You end up spending precious time angry over something the other person may have already let go of.

You forget that people are human and are capable of change

 This, of course, doesn’t apply for all cases where you were abused or hurt by others, but in some instances, we hold anger towards people who have the capacity and willingness to change. When we hold resentment towards others, we are holding people hostage to our expectations of how they should and shouldn’t act.

You may be evading the healing process by holding onto resentment for years

 When we focus on what someone else has done to us, we distract ourselves from doing self-introspection. You may need to have an honest conversation with yourself, asking the following questions: Am I still putting these people on a pedestal? Where can I take accountability and ownership for what happened? If it was not my fault (young/ low self-esteem/ vulnerable) then maybe you can ask yourself something like; How can I practice forgiving myself for blaming me for what others did? Be honest about the healing work that needs to be done within you.

Why you must Let Go of Resentment:

You cannot control the behaviour of others

As much as we may try, we can’t control other people’s behaviours. Holding resentment will not change that person. They won’t be shamed into making any changes unless they decide to do that for themselves.

People are simply reflecting their level of consciousness

The person/people that hurt you are reflecting what they think about themselves. People have a different value system and they are just reflecting what they think is right/wrong. People causing you harm says more about them, not about you.

You deserve happiness

You deserve freedom and that is your birthright. You deserve to experience love and the wholeness of life. You deserve to let go of your personal freedom and well being. Resentment is poison for the body and takes up space which can be used to love yourself.

A Question to You:

Do you hold resentment? 

How did you let go of your anger towards someone?

I would love to hear your thoughts

Love Ash, xx

 

Legal Action against your Abuser UK

Copy of The ugly truth about self love (10)

Hi all,

I created a document for Domestic Violence victims with information about how to get a Non-Molestation Order against your abuser. I have a couple of years experience within the Law Sector and have utilised the knowledge I have gained. This is applicable for those under UK law.

PDF document can be found here:

LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOUR ABUSER UK

 

There are a list of charities that you can contact for additional support and guidance. Here’s a few charities that you can contact:

https://www.refuge.org.uk/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-organisations-which-give-information-and-advice/

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/domestic-violence/#.Wscw-qKdCvU

http://www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/support-services-and-agencies-victimssurvivors (additional directory) 

https://www.buttleuk.org/ (for children affected by domestic violence) 

http://www.niaendingviolence.org.uk/

www.havenrefuge.org.uk

 

LGBTQIA Charities 

http://www.galop.org.uk/domesticabuse/

https://lgbt.foundation/

http://www.stonewallhousing.org/

 

Black women and Women of Colour

http://www.bawso.org.uk/our-services/women/

https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/

 

Refugees/Asylum Seekers

www.niaproject.info

www.havenrefuge.org.uk

www.refuge.org.uk

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

Do you attract what you are? Let’s talk!

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You are all probably familiar with the famous line “You attract what you are”. I remember the first time hearing this line when I was younger and not resonating with it. My thought process was “So I don’t love myself, does that mean I will attract people who will treat me badly?”. I couldn’t resonate with it because at the time I didn’t love myself. At the same time, did not feel like my lack of self love  justified being mistreated by others. I felt like this quote lead to victim blaming, rather than putting agency and accountability onto the person who has done the mistreating.

When I started my self-discovering journey, I began to see this same line crop up consistently. Funnily enough, I didn’t feel as disconnected with the words as I previously did. Over a period of months, I delved into my teenage years to figure out any patterns that had contributed to my peak depression after I graduated. I wanted to start forming healthy, fulfilling relationships with others but I first had to figure out where the break down began in this department of my life. During my self reflection process, I noticed a direct correlation between my lack of self-love and the types of relationships I accepted.

My lack of self-love and acceptance showed up in a multitude of ways.  I noticed certain people in my life would feel comfortable speaking to me the way I talked to myself. For example; I would say stuff like ‘I’m dumb’ and people around me would be comfortable using the same language towards me. My lack of self-love showed up in what I accepted from others. My need to please others lead to people taking advantage of me. On the flip side, the negative relationship I had with myself made me comfortable being bitchy, jealous towards my friends. I felt a lack of self-love and this showed up in the way people treated me and how I treated others.

Lisa Nichols- “Your job is to be the first example of how the world is supposed to love and treat you. It’s your job to give the world the best example possible. The people in your life will follow your example on how they get to treat you.”

Quote from Lisa Nichols book: Abundance Now

It became very clear during my self-love journey that treating myself badly made people feel comfortable in treating me the same way. When I started to affirm, love and redefine myself to become my best version, I was forced to change the conditions of my relationships. I was no longer was willing to accept being mistreated. I began to heal myself and be real about my own toxicity which naturally helped me stop projecting my toxicity onto others. As a result, I began to attract loving, healthy relationships into my life. This revelation has bought me so much peace and completely redefined my relationship with myself and the way I treat others.

I have definitely grown a greater understanding and appreciation for this old saying. However whilst I now agree with it I still don’t believe in victim shaming. I adamantly believe that we are entitled to love in its highest capacity even at times when we don’t quite love ourselves. I don’t believe that anyone is deserving of ill-treatment simply because they treat themselves badly. The way people treat us has much more to say about them than it does about us.

There are people suffer from debilitating mental health and/or self-esteem issues. It may take some people years to start truly loving or start accepting themselves. I don’t feel like this means that they should have people around them to meet them where they are at. When I had people treating me badly, I didn’t think I deserved it and I don’t think anyone does simply because they don’t love themselves. I don’t encourage a culture of blame. I think it’s important to be compassionate and treat others respectfully.

To end, it’s so important that you are good to people and take accountability for your mistreatment of others. Ask yourself more whether you’d want to be treated in the way you’re treating others. I want to create a conversation around this question, so I’d love to hear your thoughts or your experiences. I am still in the process of learning and my opinion on this topic is subject to change. This is my understanding thus far and I am still in the early stages of my self-love journey so I’d love to know your thoughts.

Question to you:

Do you think that you are what you attract?

Thank you for reading!

 

Much Love, Ash xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

Toxic Family

Copy of The ugly truth about self love (2)

There comes a time when you start to analyze your family relationships and ask yourself whether they are fulfilling or not.  It’s painful to admit that certain family members are toxic and don’t always have our best interest at heart. You might have to make a decision whether to cut ties completely or maintain a relationship from a distance.

Speaking up about toxic family members is a very difficult. There’s an unspoken rule that some things are kept within the family. As a result we maintain unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships simply because you share the same DNA. But what’s the point of family if they aren’t compassionate, caring, understanding, kind and loving?

There’s plenty of conversations around toxic friends or partners but not enough about toxic family relationships. This is something I’ve been very reluctant to talk about because of the stigma I’ve placed around talking about family affairs publicly.  However I no longer believe people should be shamed for speaking their truth. I refuse to tolerate any abusive behaviour simply because we share the same blood. I don’t want to keeping hiding the fact that some family members have inflicted more harm than good and have negatively impacted my well-being. I came to the conclusion that if maintaining certain relationships means to compromise with own sanity and well-being then it’s not worth it. I know people close to me who are struggling with having toxic family members around them but feel obliged to put up with abusive behaviour.

For any one who’s currently stuck in a predicament where they feel obligated to put up with a family members abuse, i’m here to tell you that it’s not your responsibility to deal with their demons. You should not feel obligated to put up with abuse simply because they bear the title of your parent or have your last name.

4 things you should know about your toxic family:

1. If someone is abusing you they are not loving you. Love is not abusive. When someone is inflicting violence onto another, it is not a display of love. That family member may have treated you with care or could have even provided a roof over your head but that doesn’t excuse their abusive behavior. Bell Hooks summed this up in All About Love
bell hooks

2. Putting yourself first is not selfish.  You are not obligated to sacrifice your peace of mind for your family. It can be difficult to release the notion that we have to be self-sacrificial for our family members, having to put our feelings aside to maintain the family image. However by doing this you compromise your integrity and normalise dysfunction that should not exist in the first place. Sometimes family issues make life more difficult and stressful than it needs to be. If they are affecting your well being and put you in a negative space then you have a right to keep your distance.

3. Quit trying to change them if they don’t want to change. You might have expressed  to them that you don’t like the way they treat you but they still have not corrected their behaviour. You can tell someone to change plenty of times but they won’t until they make that decision to change themselves. It might be time to accept them for who they are and lower your expectations that they will change. By lowering our expectations we won’t be constantly hurt by their wrongdoings and we find peace with our circumstances.

4. You don’t have to carry the burden of their issues. People who inflict abuse onto others have typically been victims of some form of violence themselves. Whilst we should acknowledge the reasons why people inflict violence onto others and the fact that they’ve normalised that said violence, we must not excuse their behaviour when it’s detrimental to our own well being. You can emphasize and understand someone’s pain but it can’t come at the expense of your own happiness. That person has some form of agency and ultimately you’re not obligated to coddle someone who cannot recognize the depth of how their issues affect others around them.

Have you experienced a toxic family member?

What advice would you offer someone going through this dilemma?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Love Ash, xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2018, All Rights Reserved