Side effects of overextending yourself

Do you constantly put the needs of others before your own? Are you often compromising your personal peace to please others?

Too often have I placed the needs of others before my own, often exhausting myself in the process. I believe that helping others is extremely important, however I don’t believe it should leave us feeling burdened, fatigued and under appreciated.

Overextending is when you are putting too much of yourself into a situation, leaving you with less energy to pour into meeting your personal needs. Overextending is often done with the expectation that the person receiving the help will be pleased with the amount of effort you are giving. Chronic people pleasers often make it their personal responsibility to sacrifice their own needs, therefore burdening themselves, in an attempt to serve others.

People pleasers often feel obligated to make the life of others easier. However in an attempt to be caring and helpful, they end up neglecting their true desires to live holistically and prioritize their wellbeing.

These are the signs that you are overextending yourself:

  • Feeling burnt out
  • Not having enough energy to do things for yourself
  • Feeling resentful
  • Running out of resources
  • Potentially feeling used and unvalued
  • Restlessness and fatigue

Tips to help:

Say no more often- Politely decline when people ask for help and you cannot give it. There’s times where we simply don’t have the means/ energy or time to help. You are not obligated to inconvenience yourself to please others. Maybe saying no is the best thing you can say no the person asking so that they can become more self sufficient. It could even enable them to find the help with someone who is more suited to do so. Be clear and decisive. Your no is valid.

Communicate your needs- If you genuinely want to help someone but may not have the capacity in this moment then communicate a healthy compromise. Tell them what you can help out with or in what deadline.

Surround yourself with people who get it- If you have people who are considerate and respect boundaries, it’s easier to feel comfortable fully expressing your needs and desires. Find people who understand you and won’t consistently put in you a situation you feel uncomfortable with.

Self Reflection- Do you people please because you are scared of disappointing others? Start getting to the root reason why you feel compelled to put others first and your LAST!

Affirmations:

“My needs are valid and important”

“Before I check in on others, I need to first check in with myself”

“Saying no is a full sentence”

Questions to you:

Do you overextend yourself often?

How are you looking after your own needs first?

Much love, Ash xx

The Gratitude Journal; Feb 2020

I'm thankful, grateful, appreciate (3)

In the wake of the recent death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter, it bought to people’s attention the fragility of life itself. We shy away from talking about death because it’s associated with pain, grief and loss. When a death occurs, it often puts things into perspective. You begin to think about how much people in your life mean to you.

I think we should welcome more conversations around death. It’s a human reality and part of the cycle of life. Life has no meaning without death. When we talk about death we open ourselves up to healing around our deceased loved ones. Our thirst for consumerism and fast paced living within capitalist culture makes it difficult to talk about the reality of death.

We need to talk about death so we can begin to experience death as a completion of life as a opposed to a loss of one. Death puts things into perspective and reminds us of the importance of moving in the path of creating the best lives for ourselves. It reminds us that we can’t allow our fears and insecurities to get in the way of living a joyful, loving, success, abundant life.

By acknowledging our eventual demise, we begin to have a new found appreciation for time and all forms of life around us. The thought that we are simultaneously dying whilst we are living means we are able to center ourselves, be our desired forms, manifest abundance in this life whilst we have it. You begin to live those moments with friends family. You allow a culture where we are able to mourn death of loved ones without feeling like the world has left them behind. You begin to life consciously in the now.

RIP Kobe Bryant, his Daughter, everyone that died in the crash & many more people who passed at such a young age.

Questions for Personal Reflection: 

What would I do if I knew I had limited amount of time on this earth?

What contribution do I want to make on this earth?

If you were to die, what would matter the most to you?

What do you want to be remembered for?

Question to You:

What are you grateful for this month?

I would love to start a conversation around this topic.

Let me know your thoughts!

Love Ash xx

Do you attract what you are? Let’s talk!

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You are all probably familiar with the famous line “You attract what you are”. I remember the first time hearing this line when I was younger and not resonating with it. My thought process was “So I don’t love myself, does that mean I will attract people who will treat me badly?”. I couldn’t resonate with it because at the time I didn’t love myself. At the same time, did not feel like my lack of self love  justified being mistreated by others. I felt like this quote lead to victim blaming, rather than putting agency and accountability onto the person who has done the mistreating.

When I started my self-discovering journey, I began to see this same line crop up consistently. Funnily enough, I didn’t feel as disconnected with the words as I previously did. Over a period of months, I delved into my teenage years to figure out any patterns that had contributed to my peak depression after I graduated. I wanted to start forming healthy, fulfilling relationships with others but I first had to figure out where the break down began in this department of my life. Through this self reflection process, I noticed a direct correlation between my lack of self-love and the types of relationships I accepted.

My lack of self-love and acceptance showed up in a multitude of ways.  I noticed certain people in my life would feel comfortable speaking to me the way I talked to myself. For example; I would say stuff like ‘I’m dumb’ and people around me would be comfortable using the same language towards me. My lack of self-love showed up in what I accepted from others. My need to please others lead to people taking advantage of me. On the flip side, the negative relationship I had with myself made me comfortable being bitchy, jealous towards my friends. I felt a lack of self-love and this showed up in the way people treated me and how I treated others.

Lisa Nichols- “Your job is to be the first example of how the world is supposed to love and treat you. It’s your job to give the world the best example possible. The people in your life will follow your example on how they get to treat you.”

Quote from Lisa Nichols book: Abundance Now

It became very clear during my self-love journey that treating myself badly made people feel comfortable in treating me the same way. When I started to affirm, love and redefine myself to become my best version, I was forced to change the conditions of my relationships. I was no longer was willing to accept being mistreated. I began to heal myself and be real about my own toxicity which naturally helped me stop projecting my toxicity onto others. As a result, I began to attract loving, healthy relationships into my life. This revelation has bought me so much peace and completely redefined my relationship with myself and the way I treat others.

I have definitely grown a greater understanding and appreciation for this old saying. However whilst I now agree with it I still don’t believe in victim shaming. I adamantly believe that we are entitled to love in its highest capacity even at times when we don’t quite love ourselves. I don’t believe that anyone is deserving of ill-treatment simply because they treat themselves badly. The way people treat us has much more to say about them than it does about us.

There are people suffer from debilitating mental health and/or self-esteem issues. It may take some people years to start truly loving or start accepting themselves. I don’t feel like this means that they should have people around them to meet them where they are at. When I had people treating me badly, I didn’t think I deserved it and I don’t think anyone does simply because they don’t love themselves. I don’t encourage a culture of blame. I think it’s important to be compassionate and treat others respectfully.

To end, it’s so important that you are good to people and take accountability for your mistreatment of others. Ask yourself more whether you’d want to be treated in the way you’re treating others. I want to create a conversation around this question, so I’d love to hear your thoughts or your experiences. I am still in the process of learning and my opinion on this topic is subject to change. This is my understanding thus far and I am still in the early stages of my self-love journey so I’d love to know your thoughts.

A Question to you: 

Do you think that you are what you attract?

Thank you for reading!

 

Much Love, Ash xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

The Gratitude Journal: March 19′

 

 

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It’s March guys!

The year is already flying by. Before we get stuck into another month, let’s take a moment to appreciate the blessings in our life. This month I want to show appreciation for my friendships.

Friendship has always been a sour spot for me as for a long time I felt unfulfilled in this area of my life.  Finally I am in a space where I feel content with the connections I’ve been able to build and the acquaintances that have entered my life. I feel loved like never before- but mostly because I have more love for myself. I am in a space with my friendships where we value each others boundaries, share love and joy and aren’t afraid to have honest conversations. I am extremely grateful for healthy friendships.

I am thankful for being able to have friends who continue to inspire me. I am thankful for the times they listened to me and gave me the space to express myself when I needed it the most. I am thankful for their honesty which taught me about myself and aided my own self-discovery. I am appreciative of the effort they have made into preserving a friendship with me, and showing up. I am thankful for having the opportunity to be in their lives and be chosen by them. I am grateful for being able to share joy laughter, happiness and sadness. I am grateful for the select few who support my creative endeavours and remind me of my powers. I am thankful for those who choose to be patient with me and for continuing to meet me half way.

Question to you:

What are you grateful for today?

Is friendship important to you and do you feel loved by your friends?

Thanks for stopping by!

Love and hugs, Ash xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

 

January 2019: The Gratitude Journal

I'm thankful, grateful, appreciate (11)

It’s the first month of 2019! I just want to send out a gentle reminder to kick start the year

Every experience of rejection you face brings you closer to yourself. Do you know why? Because it forces you to decide whether to base your worth on that negative experience or use it to strengthen your self-belief. You have two choices in the face of rejection- either you stay knocked down or get back up and try again. Turn all that rejection into a muscle of determination and self-belief. Use it to become ruthless. Knocked down 7 times stand up 8!

Rejection is hurtful, I know, but it’s a part of life. Instead of seeing rejection as your worst enemy, you should see it as the perfect opportunity for personal development. Remember that rejection is leading you towards something more profound.

I will be practising this myself in 2019. I am making a declaration to no longer allow rejection to stop me from pursuing my goals.

Who’s with me? 

Love Ash, xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

2018 Overview: The Gratitude Journal

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As we wait patiently to usher in the new year, many of us take this time to reflect and make plans for the year ahead. I always find this time of the year very intense. Not only is it the holidays and my birthday month, I typically find myself in deep contemplative mood throughout December. The previous years I would have spent this time critiquing myself and pointing out all the thing’s that I have not achieved. However, this time around I made a conscious effort to show gratitude and celebrate my achievements.

I wanted to remind you (and myself) that whilst you consider what goals would like to achieve in the new year, it’s really important that we take the time out to acknowledge our accomplishments, even if they’re small. After all, celebrating yourself encourages you to continue making positive steps and builds self-confidence.

5 things I’m proud of in 2018:

1. Blogging- I started taking my blogging seriously at the beginning of the year. I can honestly say blogging has saved my life. It has given me a platform to finally express myself and use my experiences to help others. I owe a lot of my personal progress to blogging as it has allowed me to really look into myself and actively work on becoming a better person. I am extremely grateful for the continuous support that I’ve received and to all the people that I’ve connected with. I’m so thankful for this space and for all other bloggers who inspire me to do better.

2. Battling low moods- This year I did not allow my moods to stop me from living my day to day life. I was able to be more honest with myself about my moods and really sit with my feelings. I proactively did things to make me feel better. I minimized the number of times I used my mood as an excuse. This year taught me that I’m in control of my reaction and response to life’s negative events.

3. Moving out of my family home- I finally moved into my own apartment. I’m looking forward to the lessons that it will teach me (not so much about bills lol). I’m super excited for the memories that I will make in my own place and the solace it will bring.

4. Therapy- I finally came to the conclusion that I need to take my well being seriously, so I went to therapy. I’ve only had a few sessions so far but I already feel a weight lifted. I’m excited to see what revelations will come from going to therapy and how it will contribute towards my growth.

5. Travel- I traveled in South Africa and New York this year. I had an amazing experience in both places. I am happy I had the opportunity to immerse myself with the culture, the people and got to see such astonishing views.

My 5 hopes for 2019:

  • More self-discovery
  • Plant-based living
  • Improve my blogging
  • Experience lots of joy
  • Build fulfilling/positive friendships with others

A reminder to you

If you had a great year: Well done love! You should be so proud of yourself. You accomplished milestones and made some amazing memories. You have demonstrated that you can do anything you put your mind to. 2019 is going to the year where you reap the benefits of the seeds you planted. Cheers to a prosperous 2019!

If you had a not so good year: There is something you can find to be proud of achieving this year, like deciding to get out of bed despite your depression or making a new friend. This year for you created a foundation for you to build on. It’s through your struggles that you will make 2019 a better year. What’s below rock bottom? You’ve already been there- now it’s time to claim what’s yours in 2019.

What are a few things you are proud of yourself for achieving this year?

What are you looking forward to in 2019?

I wish you all a prosperous new year and see you all in 2019!!

Love Ash, xx

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2018, All Rights Reserved