Side effects of overextending yourself

Do you constantly put the needs of others before your own? Are you often compromising your personal peace to please others?

Too often have I placed the needs of others before my own, often exhausting myself in the process. I believe that helping others is extremely important, however I don’t believe it should leave us feeling burdened, fatigued and under appreciated.

Overextending is when you are putting too much of yourself into a situation, leaving you with less energy to pour into meeting your personal needs. Overextending is often done with the expectation that the person receiving the help will be pleased with the amount of effort you are giving. Chronic people pleasers often make it their personal responsibility to sacrifice their own needs, therefore burdening themselves, in an attempt to serve others.

People pleasers often feel obligated to make the life of others easier. However in an attempt to be caring and helpful, they end up neglecting their true desires to live holistically and prioritize their wellbeing.

These are the signs that you are overextending yourself:

  • Feeling burnt out
  • Not having enough energy to do things for yourself
  • Feeling resentful
  • Running out of resources
  • Potentially feeling used and unvalued
  • Restlessness and fatigue

Tips to help:

Say no more often- Politely decline when people ask for help and you cannot give it. There’s times where we simply don’t have the means/ energy or time to help. You are not obligated to inconvenience yourself to please others. Maybe saying no is the best thing you can say ro the person asking so that they can become more self sufficient. It could even enable them to find the help with someone who is more suited to do so. Be clear and decisive. Your no is valid.

Communicate your needs- If you genuinely want to help someone but may not have the capacity in this moment then communicate a healthy compromise. Tell them what you can help out with or in what deadline.

Surround yourself with people who get it- If you have people who are considerate and respect boundaries, it’s easier to feel comfortable fully expressing your needs and desires. Find people who understand you and won’t consistently put in you a situation you feel uncomfortable with.

Self Reflection- Do you people please because you are scared of disappointing others? Start getting to the root reason why you feel compelled to put others first and your LAST!

Affirmations:

“My needs are valid and important”

“Before I check in on others, I need to first check in on myself”

“People who have my best interest at heart will find it in them to respect when I can’t extend my hand to them, in times when i need me the most”

Questions to you:

Do you overextend yourself often?

How are you looking after your own needs first?

Much love, Ash xx

Recommit.

Every now and then, life will throw us a curve ball.  When we go through hard times, it’s easy to forget that we have the tools within us to make ourselves feel better. When life is good, self-care practises feel easier to follow out of pure enjoyment. However, when we are feeling low we can become complacent with feeling stuck in our pain.

Just because you fall short at times doesn’t take away from the progress you have made in your life. Self-love isn’t a linear progress. It’s a journey which has multiple bumps in the road. Don’t beat yourself up when you fall short and find yourself reverting back to an unhealthy place. Instead, make a detour back to practicing constructive things that will make you feel better.

Recently I’ve been going through a rough couple of weeks due to personal issues and I found myself completely neglecting my personal needs. The things I’d usually do like meditate, exercise and pray were being supplemented by unhealthy practices i.e brain numbing tv shows. Instead of beating myself up about it, I decided to get back on track and try again.

There’s still enough time for you to recommit to your own growth. We may fall off sometimes, but we must not be discouraged. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a 1000x second chances.

A Gentle Reminder:

Don’t forget that you’ve got the resources within you to help your healing.

Self-care is how we take our power back.

Sometimes there will be bumps in the road that will throw you off course. What matters most is whether we choose to get back up.

Question to you

How are you doing today?

Love, Ash xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Cope with a Friendship Breakup

Copy of The ugly truth about self love (10)

Have you ever drifted apart from a friend? They say some friends are for seasons but there are certain friendships that we thought would last forever. When I was younger, I used to visualize me and my friends raising our kids together, exploring the world and seeing each other reach the height of our success but life had its own plans.

Ending a friendship is extremely heartbreaking especially if they were a close friend. Unfortunately some relationships take a turn for the worst overtime. When it becomes unbearable to be around them or if their presence/ energy brings you down, it may be a sign to walk away. Friendships should make you feel loved, valued and respected. A great friend genuinely cares about your well-being and won’t be the cause of your stress. It’s normal to go through rough patches with our friends but if the common theme is more negative than positive then it’s an indication that something is wrong with the foundation of the friendship.

In saying that, just because your friendship has taken a turn for the worst doesn’t mean that it’ll always be that way. There’s still an opportunity to rebuild and resurrect old friendships. As we enter different seasons in our life, inevitably our friendships won’t always align with who we are at that present moment.

To make room for new relationships in our lives, we need to let go of what’s no longer serving us. I don’t believe in cutting people off because we all make mistakes and have the capacity to change our ways. If you decide to part ways and if the circumstances allow you to, it’s best to have a conversation about it so you both can engage in a constructive dialogue. Irrespective of how the friendship ended, you can’t undermine the value that person had in your life. Use the experience to draw on the positives and celebrate the contributions they made to help you become the person you are today.

From my personal experiences, I have conducted a list of tips to help people deal with friendship breakups.

How to cope with a friendship breakup:

  1. Give yourself space to mourn- Give yourself the time to mourn the loss of the friendship just like you would an intimate relationship. It’s okay to cry or feel bitter feelings towards the way things transpired. You should let it all out than to build resentment towards them.
  2. Confide in someone- Speak to someone you can confide in about how you feel. Maybe another friend can give you insight into what went wrong in the friendship and how to gain closure from the situation.
  3. Make new friends- Go to a social event, reach out to someone new and make friends. Losing a friend especially a close one can make us feel lonely and isolated. Give yourself permission to get to know new people because they can add value to your life. Making new friends isn’t always easy but if you start opening yourself up to others, you will naturally attract your community.
  4. Accountability- Take accountability for ways you participated in the breakup of the friendship. This is a great way for you to figure out what lessons you need to take from the experience so that they are not repeated in your other friendships. Maybe there’s things you need to be honest with yourself about in order to become a better comrade to others.
  5. Gratitude- Express gratitude for the lessons and experiences you gained from your friendship. Write down all the ways the friendship added value to your life. Showing gratitude allows you to see the breakup of the friendship as a blessing.

Quotes for reflection:

“Release and detach from every person, every circumstance, every condition, and every situation that no longer serves a divine purpose in your life. All things have a season, and all seasons must come to an end. Choose a new season, filled with purposeful thoughts and activities.”- Iyanla Vanzant

“I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Thank you for contributing to the person I am today and for ushering me into this new season in my life.” – Ash Alves

“Some may have one single purpose in our lives and then move along after they fulfilled whatever that purpose was; they came for a reason and a season.”- Unknown

“Some friends may be a solitary season. Their presence was important at the moment, but seasons change and people change. We come to realize that even though the friendship may have been good, it was fleeting and it ended for a reason.” – Unknown

Quotes to you:

Have you experienced a friendship breakup?

How would you deal with conflict within your friendship/s?

I’d love to hear what you think!

Love Ash, xx

The Gratitude Journal: August 19’

Happy August,

For this month’s gratitude topic, I want to talk about uncertainty!

When we are uncertain about a decision we need to make, it can make us feel stuck and unsettled. The fear of missing out or potentially making the wrong decision can be very daunting. We all feel uncertain at times and somehow we always figure it out. If you are currently feeling stuck, just remember that it will not last forever.

Perhaps we need to feel uncertain at times to get us to pause and really think. When we are sure about where we are heading, we are less inclined to take time out to observe all areas of our lives. Uncertainty allows us to take a birds eye view at our life and begs us to ask the questions; What area in my life do I need to pour more energy into?, Am I happy?, What needs shifting?

Uncertainty doesn’t last forever so take advantage of the need to pause in order to re-evaluate your life. Consider it as an opportunity to prioritize self care and put joy at the centre of your life. Don’t feel compelled to make an instant decision if you have the privilege of stalling it until you’re more certain. Life isn’t about getting to a destination “fast” but it’s about enjoying the ride. Maybe you’re uncertain because you need to show more gratitude for where you currently are in order to invite in something new and abundant into your life.

So whilst you’re feeling stuck, frustrated and uncertain, remind yourself that it won’t last forever and allow your intuition to guide you into making the best decision for you. Don’t be so attached to the outcome. And remember that you can always make another decision.

What are you focusing on this Month?

Have a great one!

Love Ash, xx

 

Copyright © 2019 AshAlves All Rights Reserved

Self Care for Workers w/ @amaraamaryah

Copy of The ugly truth about self love

 

For those of us who spend the majority of our day working, it’s often difficult to make the time to practice self-care. Dealing with work, life’s problems ontop of taking care of our own needs can become a tedious task. That’s why it’s fundamental that we have non-negotiable selfcare acts that we can do throughout the day which are accessible, not time consuming and overall improve our well-being!

Me and the lovely @amaraamaryah reflect on acts of self care we do on a daily basis which truly make a positive difference in our lives.

Before we get into it, let me first introduce you to Amara. Amara Amaryah is a UK poet and blogger. Her blog is a platform for intentional living encouragement, travel moments, books shenis reading and poetry she is writing. Amara also uses her blog to document self-care events in the West-Midlands. She has performed her poetry at Heaux Noire, the Black Lives Matter lunchtime conversation with Patrisse Khan-Cullors and at Out-Spoken Ldn Birmingham Book tour and has most recently been selected as a Hippodrome Young Poet.

Amara:

Morning

i like to start every morning differently. every morning starts in prayer, poetry or gratitude. i try and find fresh ways to start the day with one or two acts of self love. sometimes it is waking up to a mug of my favourite tea and a chapter of scripture. another morning it might be laying out my yoga mat for 5 minutes and mini meditation. the next morning it could be as simple as washing my dishes to have a clear sink when i come home. whatever i do, i do it for myself so i can enter the day knowing that i listened to myself first-thing this morning. as part of being intentional about the thoughts i let in first, i try and walk to work without any headphones and i don’t touch instagram until i have reached my desk.

Midday

a confession: i work in an environment where i’m constantly creating content and it makes me think about how i can create content for my own blog/instagram. sometimes lunchtimes are spent writing/planning/creating using apps on my phone. this is something i’m trying to step away from to give my mind a different thinking space for the lunch hour. i think using lunch to get away from a screen is best. leave your phone in a safe place (if you can) and take your book or just go with conversation. i try and enjoy as analogue a lunch as possible. i’m still learning though! also- i try and get outside of the building for fresh air. i rarely spend my lunch at my desk.

aside from this, i think midday affirmations are super important. reminding yourself of the scripture you read in the morning, the podcast you listened to, the text your mum sent back this morning and just speaking over your affirmations for the week is an important part of being present. *a note on if you dislike your job: i know, i’ve been there. at this point in the day it is easy to dream of going home. i recommend bringing something to your desk that motivates you. a mini vision board, a memory, a quote, anything. having something physical on your desk which reminds you why you’re in the job, what you’re saving for and the fact that it is a temporary position can help you through the day.

Evening

Wind-downs are the best. in my new years blog post i wrote about stepping back from excessive selfcare to get more time to create. i think because i practice acts of self-care during the day,i don’t always need to over-do it in the evening. my evening rituals are always small ways to ensure i can start fresh. i’ve learnt not to over-plan for the evening. your 5-9 doesn’t need to exhaust you. plan your evening and allow an hour for time wasting and doing nothing. and then begin creating/working on the blog or whatever you do. a massive part of my self-care practices include writing. i generally set time aside for Journaling and making sense of my thoughts. i don’t follow any plan yet, i usually brain dump. as a poet, i am on a journey to writing 1000 poems in a year so i try and write something every night (or if not every morning).

the final thing i do is forgive. anything negative that has happened to or because of me, i forgive. i believe that we carry our daily worries into our dreams so i try my best to eradicate the heavy thoughts and make space for good ones.

and then i go again the next day. pushing for new ways to love myself.

Ash:

Quick Side note: “Show me your morning routine and I’ll show you how the rest of your day will pan out”. The way you start your day sets precedent over the rest of your day. The mornings are a perfect way to clear any lingering negative thoughts and to start your day with more clarity and peace. The mornings are an excellent way to check in with yourself. I find the mornings my absolute non-negotiable self care routine.

Morning: A typical self care morning ritual to me looks like waking up, praying or reciting affirmations then doing yoga. I use a yoga app and choose one relating to what my body needs at the time. Then I would watch a motivational video whilst I get ready for work. Once I get into work, one of the first things I do to settle into work is make myself a herbal tea/ coffee. Green tea or any other herbal tea is a must for me because of its healing & cleansing properties.

Afternoon: In my job position you don’t get much time for yourself. Like in many industries the focus is on productivity and getting the most out of your working hours. As a response I make an effort to find time for myself in a few ways; taking intentional breaks away from my computer, spending my breaks reading or watching something fun. I also integrate my passion for blogging into my daily routine by writing / jotting notes down in relations to a blog post when I am inspired.

Evening:

My evening self-care practices differ and are relational to my needs and desires at the present moment. It usually consists of making myself a meal, putting on my fairy lights and burning candles burning. I try to make time to exercise, listening to podcasts and music. I focus my energy in enjoyment so listening to stuff unrelated to blogger or work but based on my other interests like Music. I typically end my night by watching something on Netflix or reading a book when I can.

Follow Amara on her socials:

Insta: amara.amaryah

Twitter: amara_amaryah

Pinterest: amaraamaryah

 

Thank you for reading!

 

How do you take care of yourself on a daily basis?

 

What are your self care tips?

 

Love Ash, xx 

Copyright © Amara Amaryah and AshAlves 2019, All Rights Reserved

Free Printable Worksheets

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Hey guys,

I have made 5 printable worksheets. Download your own FREE printable PDF worksheets here. You can print the pages in their original A4 format. LINK- Ashs Worksheet Printouts

This document consists of 5 worksheets:

  1. Short term goals- listing your goal and 5 mini goals to aim towards it
  2. Gratitude- Listing things you’re grateful for.
  3. “I keep my cup full”- Affirmation task
  4. Non-judgemental space- Debunking limiting beliefs that stop you from your own growth
  5. “Trash Thoughts”- Debunking negative thoughts

Worksheets are an amazing tool for self-reflection and exploration. Follow the notes on each page and work through the sheets. This task is helpful for understanding self-defeatist thoughts and replacing negative narratives we tell ourselves with positive ones. If you are working on a project, a business, finances or personal growth there’s an exercise called ‘short term goals’ that is recommended to be used to track your progress, motivate you and set attainable targets. 

 

I Hope they’re helpful 😊✨

 

Copyright © AshAlves 2018, All Rights Reserved